Long time

Jeff pointed out that it had been almost a year since I have put anything on here. So here is my son, Julian Francis. Practicing holding his head up. He gets very frustrated (just like a boy). He will be four months on the 18th. He is adorable and I am crazy about him. I can't imagine my life without him now that he's here. All I know is that I would be very bored.
Julian is very funny, always making weird faces and making weird faces. He makes me laugh a lot, he's like his dad that way.
Julian's nickname is Goo. Because that is the first thing he said. Actually, it was Ah-goo, but we shortened it up.
He rolled over all the way from his back to his tummy yesterday for the first time. I was so happy and he was at first too, then he realized he would have to hold his head up to see anything and got pissed.

I ask myself all these questions.
But it doesn't help.
Sometimes you just need the questions
not the answers.
Sometimes you know the answers already.
You just can't preconceive how you feel,
no matter how hard you try,
and I have tried,
how it will feel when someone is missing
from your life.

Aliens

I was speaking with a friend recently, a male, who mentioned his perception of a woman being pregnant. He said (in so many words) that it was like having an alien invade your body. My first maternal reaction to this was : No it's not. I felt like it was a male perspective, because a male would have no concept in their being, anywhere (like DNA memory), of this whole pregnancy phenomenon. Lately, though, I have kind of felt how he described. I feel like I have been pregnant for ever. I know that there is a tiny person growing in me, but I have no way to wrap my own head around the concept. He's in there. He's growing and moving and learning already, but what do I really have to do with it yet. Nothing. I am merely a host. I could be growing an elephant for all I know (I do know in fact that it's not an elephant). I won't meet this person growing in me for another 5 months. And that is too damn long to wait. Because without knowing why, I love him and miss him, and I want to kiss him and hold him. But on a day to day basis there are moments that go by that I forget (to some degree) that I even am pregnant. The only thing that reminds me is this instinct to protect myself. Then there are moments that all I can think about is the baby, and what he will look like and how he will act, and who he will become.
So, it is like an alien, until he's born. My body has been invaded. I'm sure most new mothers feel this way, but I think they probably forget all that when the baby comes. Just like they say you forget all the pain of labor when the baby is born. I just think it's bizarre that I am a woman and I was specifically made to carry another human and I can't even grasp the concept. It's like death. So, apparently death and life, ironically, are both inconceivable. For me anyway.

And as Maynard says, "Over thinking over analyzing separates the body from the mind."

Dos by Pete Loeffler

Begging - do you mean groveling
Settling - it's not the same
Begging - do we take what's left
Settling - don't take requests
You two, you're what's left, I don't take requests
But for you two, come this far,
I might have something,
To say
Now these two, treat them well
Upon themselves, showed up again
Now you sir, Give up the gig
You haven't been repaid

Black by Eddie Vedder

sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
were laid spread out before me as her body once did
all five horizons revolved around her soul
as the earth to the sun
now the air i tasted and breathed has taken a turn

and all i taught her was everything
i know she gave me all that she wore
and now my bitter hands shake beneath the clouds
of what was everything?
all the pictures had all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

i take a walk outside, i'm surrounded by some kids at play
i can feel their laughter, so why do i sear
and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
i'm spinning, oh, i'm spinning
how quick the sun can, drop away
and now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
of what was everything?

all the pictures had all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
all the love gone bad, turned my world to black
tattooed all i see, all that i am, all i'll ever be...
i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star
in somebody else's sky, but why
why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine?

Sometimes

Sometimes the poems pour from me. Sometimes they don't. So, I was thinking for a couple days about poetry and where it all is. And sometimes we forget that song lyrics are poetry. Well, there is a big difference between real song lyrics and poetry, but I think the good guys (the good ones in my opinion) have written poetry and then they work them around the music somehow. And I think you tell when there are oohs and aahs in a song or the singer has to change the stresses on a word.

So, anyway, while there is nothing of my own in my head I am going to post song lyrics. To be read as a poem. And if you have heard the song it will be hard to read it without the music in your head, but try because it changes everything.

Sit too close

I saw you see yourself

You seemed pleased

But then you told me not to sit too close

Don’t think too close

You’ve destroyed my life

Where did my dreams go

They were hazmat with your placenta

Why was I even there

I am you

Every thing you ever said

Every time I watched you

And you didn’t see me

How could I yell out faggot

And it not be your fault

What do you see now

Not so pleasing

But you did say not to sit too close

Thanks for the Y

So, I had a 14 and 1/2 week ultrasound today and we found out that it is a boy. And based on the things it was doing in the womb, I would say a pretty typical boy. He was, I can only assume, playing the air drums, doing kung fu, sucking his thumb, and reclining, using my bladder as a footrest and the placenta as a pillow. Oh, yeah, and doing swirlies in the amniotic fluid, not cooperating with the technician, who was trying to check his brain.

Wow, a boy. I admit, I wanted a girl. But I am not disappointed, I am seeing all the benefits to a boy and I believe this was the plan. Not to sound cheesy, but there is a plan for everyone and this is my path. I have been known in my life for bouts of misandry. I didn't get along with my dad and I haven't gotten along with any male in a relationship up until Jeff (the father, for those that don't know). I am so happy for the challenge that lies in raising a sensitive and strong young man.

Today we celebrated by swimming (and burning in the sun), then cooking hot dogs on a fire. While we were outside under the tree in the back yard waiting for the fire to warm up, some small voice behind us yelled hello. We turned and it was a two little boys that live on the next street. They were hiding behind some bushes and peeking at us. They began yelling things to us. I am not sure what but they were likely normal, I- want - attention little boy things. And I said to Jeff "little boys are mean aren't they?" He said yes, he was. And I said "oh no, I want my little boy to be nice, but if he's nice he won't get along with the mean boys and then they will beat him up." See, all these things I have to worry about. I don't know what to do with a boy, I've never been a boy. I don't know how they feel or how to make them strong but different, I want him to stand out but get along and fit in. I guess that's what Jeff is here for. The one thing I do know, and I vow not to do, is be the psycho mother. I dated a lot of boys whose mothers hated me only because I was the girl dating their son. I will NOT be like that.

Okay, enough ranting and worrying. I am so excited and even though I want him to be here now, I will enjoy the time that I get to be so close to him. Good luck to me!! And thanks to everyone who is so damn supportive. Thank God for all my friends who have sons.

Your spirit is here

Could I have access to my baby
See my baby
Touch my baby
This isn't fair

Because I have been thinking
What color should your sky be
When you haven't slept through the night
Already, like you're getting ready

Could I hold you baby
Miss you
Love you
This isn't fair baby

The Air

You made me clean
Made me sit
See behind me
or beside me
To the confusion
and the desire to
Push
to make things move
Dammit
move

Happen and go forward